In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
War & Peace
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
this has to be peak English