Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”