My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
u spoke cat all this time??????
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Social Media and Real life
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Only short people can save us
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”