Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.