10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.