I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You Might Also Like
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
LOL
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.