Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Forever 21… pounds overweight