PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
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“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Cha-ching is my safe word
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.