If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
You Might Also Like
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.