Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or