Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs