If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.