This could be us but you eatin’
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
My love language is deader than Latin
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot