[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
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I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Pretty much. 🤣
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*