Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I wish I could veto my bills.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).