popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.