Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
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I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.