My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.