her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
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My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me: