you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
#NeverForget
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
eggs benadryl
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.