Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?