My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?