Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
You Might Also Like
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Running from your problems is cardio .
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant