I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.