I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
People buying plungers never look happy.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO