90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
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I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…