A duv-egg? In this economy?
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3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.