When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.