Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
When he asks for feet pics
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.