I’m calling the cops.
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Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that