What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
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No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
ok like just. call me at this point
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.