Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
5 ways to appear taller
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.