Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
You Might Also Like
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.