me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
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Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
how high up are we talkin’?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.