my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
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Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.