doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
🤣🤣🤣
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse