I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
You Might Also Like
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
can’t wait til they legalize outside
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.