That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut