My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
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Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?