DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.