pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Proctology is located in A55
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS