Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.