Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
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3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.