People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
A roof is a house hat.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Google assistant rules
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
What
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.