boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.