*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!