I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.