We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.