Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.