My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“you recording!?”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton